literature

Dreaming Of You.

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Labbonno's avatar
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Literature Text

When I come back from my thoughts I feel more secure
But then I sleep… and the dreams of you occur;
The dreams I have of you are so vivid and clear
I feel true happiness inside and that there is nothing to fear;
A symphony of word and thought you bring
A life is changed in just an instant's time,
Dreams of us start to flow in them our love continues to grow,
To fill my hearts desire, to light my passion's fire;
Holding you tight feeling so right your love carries me to new heights,
Forever lost in your love as a gift from heaven above.
When I go to sleep at night I ask God to make my days bright,
I know he will do it - I know it will be true,
Because He knows I only want to be with you;
What a beautiful feeling I wish it is true!
But I am only dreaming - dreaming of you!
But I know it could happen I know dreams come true
That's why every night I'll be dreaming of you.
If the only way of loving you were in a dream, then among the walking I would never be.
Dedicated to my only true love Salman.:iconbigheartplz:
© 2010 - 2024 Labbonno
Comments19
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InstinctiveNature's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

From the initial reading of this you can tell where your going with the poem.
The comments you received give you credit to your work and show it has the proper effect <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile) - :)"/>

Your lines and wording while fitting and well used don't seem to make this flow properly in my eyes.
What I mean by this is that it seems to be bunched up.
You end most of the lines with , and ; which don't need to be there, its only a slight mishap from an otherwise deep and meaningful work.

When poems are written they tend to be wrote with a flow, a feeling as the words and lines mix from 1 to the other.
Maybe you intended it to be written this way then ignore that comment as its probably my own opinion <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile) - :)"/>

Vision: In terms of vision its easy to see and feel where your leading us with this so that's a 4 <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile) - :)"/>

Originality: Love, dreams are often widely used in poetry so to come up with something original in this field is tough. So unfortunately that knocks you down to 3.5 here.

Technique: I feel that the constant , and ; disrupts the flow of this and I don't know if it is only me in this but it spoils the work a little. But not by much that it hurts the feel of this. 4 <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile) - :)"/>

Impact: Love, dreams both emotions from the heart when combined and the way you've worded this is deep and meaningful so is a 4.5 for that as it does have the desired effect <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile) - :)"/>

This Critique was under taken from <img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/x/p/x…" alt=":iconxpose-it:" title="xpose-it"/>
I hope this Critique is fair in your eyes and I have written this as honestly as I possibly can, and also with as few spelling mistakes as I can, if there is anything you want to discuss then feel free to contract myself <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile) - :)"/>